NEW BOOST FOR MARKETS AS YELLEN DUMPS RATE-RISE IN FAVOUR OF QB

BY JOHN WARD

 The world of buy-back mezzanine shadow financial megadebt intratrading was rocked to its papier maché derivative foundations last night after Janet Yellen sidelined both QE tapering and the widely expected rate rise in favour of a new recovery tool, QB.

“We’ve given the economy a thorough stress-test,” she announced, “and come to the conclusion that one or two apparent problems should be our sole focus from here on going forward to the next paradigm”.
Outlining the remaining problems as low wages, rising debt, nervous investors, a growing deficit, oil prices and China, Ms Yellen said the key needs were for the US to become more competitive and stimulate manufacturing, whose “imbalance when set against high net worth client fund management in the deep-liquidity onanism space is giving slight cause for concern”.
“Our new approach,” the Fed Chair concluded, “will, we’re fairly sure, kill two doubting doves with one predatory hawk. Accordingly, I have as of today asked my colleagues in the White House, at the State Department and among the Pentagon top brass to join me in concerted support for our new cutting-edge stimulus, Quantitative  Bombing”.
Wall Street and London City opinion leaders were quick to endorse Ms Yellen’s more creative approach to American recovery. “The new French and Russian upweights of bomb payloads over Syria have already reversed the negative munition puts trend,” commented Cy Bormann, Head of Casualty Futures at New York banking firm Freundlich, Schock & Orr, “so we think this is a good call by the Fed”.
Echoing that sentiment, Diggoupe & Frack senior partner Wills Woodebyne told The Slog, “We simply must get the oil price up if hard-working Texan billionaires are not to be wiped out, and total destruction of the Middle Eastern production capacity is the fastest way to do this.”
“This market is wide open for expansion,” said London Mayor Maurice Jobsgun, “and I wholeheartedly support the Prime Minister’s call to put Britain’s export drive before a few bleeding-heart poppinjay dead-baby promoters. It’s time we leveraged the reputation we made for ourselves in Dresden, and actively sought out new raid destinations such as Bucharest, Budapest, Warsaw, Brussels and Moscow”.
“Most reasonable Americans,” Presidential candidate Ronald Slump told his Tennessee audience of tree-dwelling banjo players last night,”are more than happy to accept sacrifices in order to keep America on track….especially if the sacrifices are Syrian, Iranian, Macedonian, Hungarian, Romanian and Russian”.