Obama declares War on Terror Financing (WTF); microcredit is now terrorism

President Obama announced at a White House press conference today that microcredit, small loans to the very poor and the topic of the 2006 Nobel Peace Prize, would now be considered terrorism because maximizing public benefits of credit is a threat to the US financial system, and lives saved today might become terrorists in the future. The president opened the War on Terror Financing (WTF). Press conference excerpts:

President Obama: As a Nobel Peace Prize winner, I know what is and is not peaceful. Microcredit, uncollateralized loans to people Goldman Sachs wouldn’t let into their lobby, is both a threat to our financial order and a threat to world peace. Therefore, microcredit is now considered financial and global terrorism, a direct threat to US national security, and subject to our new war: War on Terror Financing (WTF).
Q: How is helping poor families work their way out of poverty a WTF threat to anyone?
Obama: Microcredit is financial terrorism because 90% of families work their way out of poverty, over 95% of the loans are repaid, and microcredit earns a profit as it ends poverty. We obviously cannot tolerate this attack on our debt-based banking and financial systems. It’s US banking leaders like Goldman Sachs who are doing God’s work, folks, and they maximize shareholder profits by maximizing and increasing debt, not by people working out of debt.
Q: I’m sorry, Mr. President; I still don’t understand WTF problem is with ending poverty and debt.
Obama: That’s ok: it’s my job to sell this. Our economic job-creators work together as oligarchies to maximize their own profits: about $30 trillion in off-shore tax havens in current total holdings. They need this profit to motivate their job-creating. If we allow microfinance to continue, folks might start thinking about banking structures that maximize public benefits rather than bank profits. This thinking would be the beginning of the end of our financial system. The public might think about debt-free money that ends national debt, demand the return of the trillions we’ve taken from them for “investments” in CAFRs, and not stop until they had full-employment for infrastructure investment.
Q: That’s a lot, sir: can you put that into a sound bite?
Obama: Yes. US financial oligarchs are asset-holes. Finance that helps the 99% rather than our asset-holes’ profits is terrorism. We kill terrorists.
Q: WTF solves other problems of families having futures brighter than poverty?
Obama: As you know, the US has always taken the lead to prevent poverty from being ended. We do this because lives saved today might become living terrorists tomorrow.
Q: WTF... wait, what?
Obama: (smiles) I know, I know, these ideas take some time to understand. Even though some other Nobel Prize laureates disagree, I stand firm with President Bush that our leadership for humanitarian work is best, as major US universities are coming around to recognize. That’s why the job of corporate media is so important to communicate these ideas. The sooner Americans embrace our agenda, the sooner 22 American veterans will stop committing suicide every day.
Q: Sir, I’m sorry: could you go over WTF benefits are for average Americans?
Obama: Sure. For example: US freedom requires increasing government debt to buy two Hellfire missiles. We’ll drone-fire one to destroy a microcredit meeting of low-income women, then another to double-tap rescue workers who make themselves “terror associates” with so-called “help.” On a related note, we’re working-up an Executive Order to make so-called “love” illegal, too, because it has people come to the aid of terrorists. But the only benefit Americans need to know is this: “Better dead than terrorist-led!”
Q: And we understand America’s children are WTF helping with propaganda?
Obama: Yes. We’re receiving hundreds of responses from school children to help people understand how drone kills around the globe protect America’s freedoms. We’ll put this catchy-one on-screen from an elementary school student for everyone to sing-a-long: it’s called the Drone drone (everyone stands to chant):
D is for death that comes from the skies!
R is for respect in all the world’s eyes!
O is for Obama - bringer of peace!
N is for niceness - what the US seeks!
and E is for everyone under control!
(non-satiric note): Explore the links for historical connections and Orwellian acts of US government in the present. The most elegant solution is for Americans in military and government to recognize “emperor has no clothes” unlawful orders, refuse them, and arrest those who issued them.
As a teacher of history, government, and economics, here’s my attempt to most accurately frame US history compared with corporate media texts.