Do not read this column if you are among the one out of seven Americans living on food stamps or among the one out of six living in poverty. Do not read if you are among the more than 14.5 million unemployed.
If you still have a TV, do not turn it on. Today is Super Bowl Sunday. Those living in the other American economy are going to gleefully romp in a nationwide gala of conspicuous consumption.
Packers? What's left to pack? Steelers? Shouldn't they sell their name to Asia?
Two teams representing otherwise forgotten rust-belt cities will drive the most frivolous spending boom since Christmas.
The National Retail Federation says the average consumer will spend $59.33 on game-related merchandise, clothing and snacks, up from $52.63 last year.
This puts total consumer spending at $10.1 billion for one game.
"Consumers hoping to wow their friends and family with a new HD TV should act fast," said Mike Gatti of the Retail Advertising and Marketing Association. An estimated 4.5 million people will buy new TVs, versus 3.6 million last year, the association's survey showed.
As much as TVs cost, Super Bowl tickets cost more. A ticket averaged nearly $5,000 on the resale market last week. Some were priced at more than $277,000.
The average food-stamp recipient receives $133 a month. Yet some of us can blow enough loot to buy a house, a car and a big-screen TV on just one ticket.
Do you know what it costs to park? A mile from Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas, $55. Across the street, more than $1,000, according to Parkwhiz.com. The website listed one spot at a nearby Taco Bell for $330.
The stadium -- just across from a Wal-Mart -- cost $1.2 billion to build. Taxpayers put up $325 million of that war chest. Many don't even like football, but the game arguably benefits them by keeping dangerous people off the streets.
More than 100,000 will attend. They'll spend an estimated $5 million on concessions and memorabilia. Another 110 million or so will watch at home. To reach all these people, many of whom have no respect for money, advertisers spend $3 million for 30-second spots.
More than one-quarter of Americans surveyed say they watch the game for the commercials, according to the retail-association survey. That's more than the 19.5% who say they enjoy getting together with friends. Who needs friends when you can afford stuff?
Rapper P. Diddy, born in a public housing project in Harlem, will be hawking Mercedes-Benz. General Motors, still partially owned by the U.S. government after its bankruptcy, is back after a two-year hiatus with five spots. It'll give a Camaro to the MVP of this festival of shameless avarice.
Kim "Keeping Up With" Kardashian will pitch Skechers shoes. And E*Trade will be back for the fourth time with its talking-baby spokesman.
Millions are still reeling from the big bust, and E*Trade has a baby on TV, talking smack as he trades his stock portfolio. A little baby, cynically nonchalant about his highly liquid net worth.
Hey, I warned you not to read this.
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